Mythology of Abusive Relationships

           Abusive relationships is a serious matter. For others, it may be a common issue that's not really a big deal. But for me, it's a big problem that shouldn't be despised of.

           According to an article entitled " Seven Surprising Myths Surrounding Abusive Relationships" by Richard Kennedy, abusive relationships are often misunderstood due to the large amounts and false information and myths that surround these kinds of relationships and the type of people that are likely to be involved in them. 

     In the article, the author examined seven popular surrounding abusive relationships. They are the following:  

1. They must have done something to deserve being hit.
2. It's not an abusive relationship if there is no violence involved.
3. An abusive relationship is a private matter.
4. An abusive relationship is a rare occurrence.
5. If it is an abusive relationship, she should have left.
6. An abusive relationship can only occur in poor, uneducated areas. They are associated with "problem" families and foreign nationals.
7. Abusive people are rough, drunken, overweight men.

    For more details, click on http://www.relationshippsychology.com/abusive-relationships/abusive-relationship

           Richard Kennedy also stated:

"Some people who find themselves in an abusive relationship will often try to ignore the fact of what's happening. Sometimes people may not even be able to tell if they are in an abusive relationship. A girl might find it flattering if her boyfriend was insanely jealous every time a guy talked to her. However, the reality lurking behind this jealousy can lead to an abusive relationship and controlling behavior."

        

        This means that even the people  involved in an abusive relationship could not know what they're into. They tend to be blinded by their own emotions. I really think that abusive relationships should be taken seriously. People shouldn't be fooled by the "myths" of relationships because who knows, maybe someday we may end up trapped in an abusive relationship without even knowing. We should face reality: it is everyone's business.

The Stockholm Syndrome: Remedy for Relationship Abuse?

        It is very unusual for a person to have positive feelings towards someone who hurts him or her. Especially people involved in  an abusive relationship. Psychologists have different explanations about relationship abuse and one of them leads to the Stockholm Syndrome. But how would the said  syndrome apply to this?

        According to an article entitled "Stockholm Syndrome" by Alice Sebold, Stockholm Syndrome is described as a victim's emotional "bonding" with their abuser and was given it's name following a hostage situation in Stockholm, Sweden when, following the end of a bank robbery, the hostages identified with and supported their captors.

       The article also stated that there are four present situations or conditions that serve as a foundation for the development of Stockholm Syndrome:

1. Perceived or real threat to to one's physical or psychological survival and belief that the abuser will carry out the threat.
2. Presence of small kindness from the abuser to the victim.
3. Victim's isolation from other perspectives.
4. Perceived or real inability to escape the situation.

       For more details, click on the link http://www.rainn.org/get-information/effects-of-sexual-assault/stockholm-syndrome


       From the same article, Dr. Joseph Carver stated:

"It is important to remember that Stockholm Syndrome develops subconsciously and on an involuntary basis. The strategy for survival instinct that  develops as an attempt to survive the threatening and controlling environment"

   To sum it all up, Stockholm Syndrome greatly affects an abusive relationship to a point that it causes the victim to not leave the abuser. For me, it's not all that bad. Stockholm Syndrome could be used as a strategy (emotional bond) by the victim in order  for the abuser to stop the hurting. However, if the syndrome persists even if the abuser continues the hurting, there would be a really bad effect on the victim's part: still clinging to the good side of the abuser though in reality, the hurting does not stop.

The Abuser

                Muscular, loud voice, bad-tempered, grumpy. These are some of the characteristics of an abuser that I perceive. I even think that it's a part of their personality. But can the abuser change for the better? Or will he just stay the same and get worse?

  According to an article entitled "Abusive Relationships" in changingminds.org , an abusing person may have particular characteristics such as believing they're always right (and others are wrong), feeling powerful when angry, fearing loss of control and feeling good when achieving it, constantly concerned about being abandoned, is good at deception (including deceiving himself), enjoying manipulating others by charm, persuasion, and aggression, seeing a partner as a possession more than a person, being jealous, having different standards for themselves, for example, enjoying other relationships. The abuser may also have a past where he has been a failure in some way or had been abused themselves.

           It also stated in the article that not all abusers are men. The archetypal dominant wife who exerts close control over the 'little man' does exist. Such women can be highly abusive, although seldom in a physical way. Yet with the histrionics and constant nagging, the man is psychologically worn down and goes in constant fear of his partner ever opening her mouth.

                           

         So can the abuser really change for good? I've read an article entitled "The Last Straw" by Rebecca, she stated there:

"Yes, if the person wants to change, they can. You can not want them to change, they must want it." 

           Another article entitled "Your abuser will never change" by Lanna stated by Lanna herself:

"Your abuser will never change. This is my personal opinion based on my twenty years of working with abused women."

            As we can see here, people have different beliefs on whether an abuser will change or not. As for me, I believe that everyone deserves a second chance. But in the case of an abuser, I don't really think they would change because as I've said in my past blogposts, I don't believe in perfect relationships. The arguments will go on, peace talk is established, then calm phase occurs, then back to arguments. It's just a cycle. 

Words Too, Can Hurt Like Knives

              Whenever you encounter the words "abusive relationships", what comes comes out of your mind? Is it only the bruises, bleeding, or even black eyes? Actually, abusive relationships does not only include the physical violence, but also the emotional or verbal abuse. Verbal abuse may not be a serious issue but I believe that words hurt as much as the physical violence. 

     According to an article entitled "What is emotional/verbal abuse?" in loveisrespect.org, emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors such as threats, insult, constant monitoring, humiliation, intimidation, isolation, or stalking. A relationship can be unhealthy or abusive even without physical violence. Verbal abuse may not cause physical damage, but it does cause emotional pain and scarring. It can also lead to physical violence if the relationship continues on the healthy path is on.

           From the same article, Associate Professor Dale Bagshaw, from the University of South Australia's School of Social Work and Social Policy stated:

"It is the put-downs, name calling, insults, belittling, and critical statements that has the most serious and long-lasting effect on self-esteem as these messages keep repeating on the victim's mind, years after the bruises are healed."

                 He also stated:  

"Ultimately, it is the victim's self-image and self-esteem that suffers, which can lead to physical and mental illness, and behavioral problems such as drug and alcohol abuse."

          To wrap it all up, I realized that any form of abuse should not be despised or ignored because our feelings matter and sometimes words can hurt more than the physical pain that bruises and wounds give us. And based on the information I gathered, verbal abuse may lead to deeper psychological effects

            So I guess, words hurt and kill. :)

Why Stay When You Can Leave?

               Imagine if I punch you in the face and it hurts you too much. Chances are, you might fight me back or the next time you see me, you'll just stay away from me, right? This made me wonder. Why do some people in an abusive relationship still stay in it when in fact, they can just leave it? don't think anyone deserves to be treated in a bad way. But how do the abused people see their selves in that kind of relationship?

         According to an article entitled " Why do people stay in abusive relationships?" in www.loveisrespect.org, there are many reasons why both men and women stay in abusive relationships. These are the following: 

            First, is conflicting emotions. These are composed of fears, believing abuse is normal, fear of being outed, low self-esteem, and love. Second, is pressure. Under this are peer pressure, cultural reasons, and pregnancy/parenting. Next, is distrust of adults or authority. This comprises of the "puppy love phenomena", distrust of police, and language barriers. Lastly, is the reliance on the abused partner. This idea includes lack of money, disability, and no where to go.

             

         Another article entitled "Romance Redux" by Craig Malkin, Ph.D.,stated:

"They don't stay for the pain. They're desperate, often palpable hope, if you sit in a room with them, is that the abuse will go away. And they tend to block out all evidence to the contrary. In point of fact, they stay for love. Many abuse survivors cling to the positive traits in their partners--like being affectionate and reliable."

       

         As we can see, love isn't the only reason why some people stay in the abusive relationship. Many factors also affect it. Then, I realized that in every decision, you really can't have the best of both worlds; if you leave the relationship, you will be free but it would still hurt you. 

Love Hurts.. Literally

      I believe that there's no such thing as a perfect relationship. Its not always that couples live happily ever after. The fights, arguments, and break ups are inevitable so these things normally happen to them. But why does it come to a point that couples hurt each other too much?

            

            According to an article entitled Enlightened Living by Michael J. Formica, abusive relationships are fairly simple. They are driven by insecurity, fear that feeds that insecurity, and expectation of inconsistency, both real and perceived.

 Another article from safe.unc.edu entitled "Abusive Relationships" stated that there are four phases of the abuse cycle: the calm phase, the tension building phase, abusive incident, and reconciliation or making up. Click on the link below to view the cycle. 

http://safe.unc.edu/files/2011/06/Cycle-of-Abuse_4-Steps-300x268.jpg

           

           I remember the issue about the Chris Brown and Rihanna assault. It was a dismay to the people and had a bad effect on their career and identity. But after some time, news about them getting back together, shocked the world. 

      In the Jan.31 issue of the Rolling Stone magazine, after officially reuniting with Brown, Rihanna told contributing editor Josh Eells, " I decided it was more important for me to be happy. I wasn't going to let anybody's opinion get in the way of that. Even if it's a mistake, it's my mistake.After being tormented for so many years, being angry and dark, I'd rather just live my truth and backlash. I can handle it."

     Upon reading this statement from a blog entitled "Rihanna and Chris Brown are proof that domestic violence is everyone's business" by Michelle Bernard in washingtonpost.com, I was thinking like "why, Rihanna? you could have just broke up with him for good 'cause he still might hurt you again."

       

       This also made me think, "Why do women who experienced abuse tend to go back to that abusive relationship? Is it just because of love?"